When We're Holding Hands, It's Like Having Sex
by Slow Walker
Summary: Crack!fic. Spock and Sulu and Chekov have the irresistable urge to SING AND DANCE! So the song they choose is a very logical song. Jizz in My Pants by the Lonely Island. No sexytimes, sorry. Spirk.


Again, this is a complete crack!fic. I don't own Star Trek or the song "Jizz in My Pants" by The Lonely Island. But I should think that's obvious since this is FANfiction, and I don't think the creators sit around slashing their own "straight" characters.  


* * *

"Captain, we seem to be entering a-" before Spock could finish his sentence the ship was rocked from side to side, throwing everyone in the Bridge out of their seats.

"Mr. Spock? What is it? What did we just hit?" Jim asked, demanding answers from his First Officer. Spock shook his head, as if to clear it. He stood up and looked around, as if he didn't know where he was. "Spock? Can you understand me?" Instead of answering, Spock shuffled over to the largest part of the Bridge, the place with the most room. Jim looked around the room, to see Chekov and Sulu blinking as they moved to flank Spock. Just then the turbolift doors opened, admitting Bones.

"Damnit, Jim! What just happened? What'd we hit?" Jim shrugged.

"Look at Spock and Chekov and Sulu. They're sure acting weird." Suddenly, as if he had hit a switch, the Bridge went dark. Music pulsed from the walls, a deep, thrumming beat. When the lights flicked back on, they were spotlighted on the three men who had spread their legs to be shoulder-width apart, with heads down, and their arms at their sides. Spock looked up suddenly, locking his eyes onto Jim's.

"Lock eyes from across the room, down my drink while the rhythms boom." He sang in a strange breathy voice. "Take your hands, skip the names, no need here for the silly games." At this, Sulu and Chekov looked up and started moving in sync behind Spock, grabbing hands and swaying their hips. "Make our way through the smoke and crowd, the club is the sky and I'm on your cloud. Move in close as the lasers fly. Our bodies touch and the angels cry!" Chekov and Sulu were really getting into it now, miming smoke and clouds and flying lasers and crying angels.

"Jim what the hell are they doing?" Bones asked.

"Shush!" Jim quieted him, trying to watch the highly amusing show his usually stoic First Officer and lover was putting on.

"Leave this place go back to yours, our lips first touch outside your doors, the whole night what we've got in store, whisper in my ear that you want some more, and I"

"_Jizz in my pants_!" Chekov and Sulu sang in high, exaggerated voices. Jim and Bones both laughed outright at this, especially after seeing Chekov and Sulu mime out an exaggerated orgasm. Lieutenant Uhura just looked mildly offended at the coarse language and body language being used.

"This really never happens you can take my word. I won't apologize, that's just absurd. Mainly your fault for the way that you dance, and now I"

"_Jizz in my pants_!" Sulu and Chekov mimed their orgasms again, their hips snapping out of control. Spock had been moving around the entire time, flowing like water, but now he moved from his spotlight, walking towards Jim, who was still seated in his Captain's Chair. "Don't tell your friends or I'll say you're a slut. Plus it's your fault, you were rubbing my butt. I'm very sensitive, some would say that's a plus." Jim grinned, knowing first hand exactly how sensitive the beautiful Vulcan was. "Now I'll go home and change." Spock walked off, back to his original spot, though the spotlight had been following him. Jim bit his lip, trying to will away the arousal he felt at watching his Vulcan, _his Spock_, dancing around, singing a song about premature ejaculation.

"I need a few things from the grocery, do things alone now mostly," Spock sang as Chekov and Sulu mimed jerking off, behind him. "Left me heartbroken, not lookin' for love, surprise in my eyes when I looked above the checkout counter and I saw her face, my heart stood still so did time and space." Spock walked over and grabbed Uhura's chin, kissing her gently. She gasped in surprise at this unexpected intrusion on her personal bubble. Jim frowned in annoyance. Did Spock still want Uhura? Did he want Uhura more than him? "Never thought that I could feel real again, but the look in her eyes said 'I need a friend'. She turned to me that's when she said it, looked me dead in the face, asked 'cash or credit?' and I"

"_Jizzed in my pants_!" Now they were all shuddering as if they really were jizzing in their black regulation Starfleet pants. Bones had silenced by then, content to watch them all make fools of themselves until the song was finished.

"It's perfectly normal, nothing wrong with me. But we're going to need a cleanup on aisle 3." Everyone laughed while Chekov and Sulu mimed mopping up. "And now I'm posed in an awkward stance, because I"

"_Jizzed in my pants_!"

"To be fair, you were flirting a lot. Plus the way you bag cans makes me bothered and hot. Please stop acting like you're not impressed. One more thing I'm gonna pay by check." They all returned to their original positions, feet apart, heads down, arms at their sides and Spock looked up, once more, looking at Jim.

"Last week, I saw a film. As I recall it was a horror film." Everyone on the Bridge laughed at the absurdity of this statement, though they didn't know exactly what was so funny about it. "Walked outside into the rain, checked my phone and saw you rang, and I"

"_Jizzed in my pants_!" Chekov and Sulu once more sang while dancing ridiculously.

"Speeding in the street, when the red lights flash." Sulu drove while Chekov 'flashed' his hands. "Need to get away, need to make a dash. A song comes on that reminds me of you, and I"

"_Jizz in my pants_!" The music never changed, but the song definitely sped up.

"The next day, my alarm goes off and I"

"_Jizz in my pants_!"

"Open my window and a breeze rolls in, and I"

"_Jizz in my pants_!"

"When Bruce Willis was dead at the end of Sixth Sense, I"

"_Jizzed in my pants_!"

"I just ate a grape and I"

"_Jizzed in my pants_!"

"I went to. . ."

"_Jizz in my pants_!"

"Ok seriously you guys, can we. . . . ok?" Sulu and Chekov backed off to just background dancing as Spock continued in the same high voice that Chekov and Sulu had been using. "I jizz right in my pants, every time you're next to me." He approached Jim, grabbing both his hands in the Vulcan equivalent of _really hot steamy sex_. "And when we're holdin' hands, its like havin' sex with me." He slid away, back to his circle of light where he danced provocatively. "You say I'm premature, I just call it ecstasy. I wear a rubber at all times its a necessity." Spock's voice changed back to it's usual sexy low growl as he sang the next part. "Cuz I"

"_Jizz in my pants_! _I jizz in my pants, I jizzinmypants_!_ I jizz in my pants, I jizzinmypants_!_ I jizz in my pants, I jizzinmypants_!"

"Yes I jizz in my pants!"

Everyone stared in silence as the song ended. The lights flickered back on and Sulu and Chekov returned to their stations. Spock looked up, unruffled as usual.

"Is something the matter, Captain?" Jim blinked.

"No, nothing's wrong, Mr. Spock. What was it you were going to say?"

"We seem to have entered a gaseous body, but according to my scanners, it no longer affects us."

"Well, how about we all go down to Sickbay and get checked anyway. Starting with you, Mr. Sulu and Mr. Chekov." All three turned on Jim suddenly, shocked expressions on their faces.

"Captain, why us?"

"No reason, I was just thinking it was logical for us to be checked."

"But Captain, we have not been affected," Sulu offered. Jim snickered as Bones threw his hands in the air. Uhura tapped a few buttons and a video link started playing on the viewing screen. The material seemed to be the security footage of the last few minutes, starting with when the lights went out.

"Well then Captain, I will be in Sickbay," Spock said, exiting hurriedly.

"Yeah, us too," Sulu said, grabbing Chekov's wrist and pulling him into the turbolift as well.

"To steal a line, _fascinating_," Bones said, much to the amusement of the crew of the Bridge.


End file.
